For many years I have suffered PTSD whenever I went to the family home, I did not know what it was. I would just be overwhelmed, break down crying and have to return home. In early 2021 with help from my psychologist I worked out it was PTSD. I still didn’t know why as it was just normal for me. I did discuss some of the things I was not happy about with my sister but I decided not to talk to Dad.
The day after my 47 birthday I went to Dads for a cuppa feeling pretty good. We were both quietly talking and he brought up that he watched a show on PTSD and that he believed he had PTSD from the police force. I took my opportunity, I explained that if you are suffering from PTSD the people around you are suffering as well. That I have been diagnosed with PTSD and it has affected my children and that his PTSD has affected me.
Well that was when the quiet talking stopped, he shouted “I haven’t done anything to cause you PTSD”. To which I replied “well how about the time you flogged (his word) my brother and I for the same thing until one of us admitted to doing it, 8 times each and then I had to watch Name Removed get another 8 to make up for the 8 I got?”. His idea of discipline was to beat both of us even though neither of us did what we were being flogged for.
I said “surely when you were flogging two people for the same thing you knew you were flogging one for no reason?”. His reply was that it was a different time then (in history). He said every time he flogged me for no reason he was sure that there was something else I deserved a flogging for anyway. I stated that just because it was a different time back then the effects are still the same.
Then he started saying, “don’t tell me about psychology I know about psychology, I put myself through night school to study group psychology. How do you think I became the president of the rural youth club?” Two hands went up and he started listing all his accomplishments in his life and attributing them to his special knowledge of group psychology. He finished with “…….. president of the Liberal Party Queensland and how do you think your Mum became a Federal member of parliament?” (Wow he even took credit for that). He continued “Don’t talk to me about your psychological journey I don’t want to hear another word about it, leave me out of it”. In that moment I saw who he was, I was devastated and I didn’t say any more. It was not the answer I wanted but it was the answer I needed.
I was at my psychologist the next day at 8:30 am and told him what was said. He asked me what sort of personally type I think my dad exhibits and I replied a “Narcissist”, he said “Spot on Eddie top of the class”. I always felt like he lacked the emotional intelligence needed to care for his animals let alone children and now I understand why. Accepting this was a big step for me and I don’t think I could have grasped it if I did not understand a trauma bond.
WITHIN 6 months of being exposed to physical and emotional abuse a trauma bond will form. A childhood exposed to this behavior forms a strong trauma bond and the person will stick up for and even lie to protect the abuser. The abused person will say things like, “it wasn’t that bad”, “things were different then”, “it didn’t bother me that much”, “I know he is a good person”. The abused has become conditioned not say anything negative about the abuser.
I studied narcissistic personally disorder again. I looked up the top ten jobs for a Narcissist and there it was, police man, business owner, and politics. Dad has done all 3 of these jobs. They have no long term close friends, Dad cannot maintain close friendships. Narcissists are delusional and literally believe they have a special power responsible for their success. Dad believes his knowledge of group psychology has been responsible for all his achievements……… and Mums. When they are suffering a delusion their hands go up. When questioned on his parenting, his response was to list all his achievements in life, to say he is a good father and then end the conversation with “I don’t want to hear any more”. This is a common response from a narcissist, they always have the last say. If he had only studied a bit more at night school and understood……….. how his ability to manipulate people affects a family structure. It is called coercive control. As children, that acceptance of control can last a life time.
To any of my siblings thinking to themselves that I am focusing on one instance of physical abuse, there are many. This is undeniably a case of narcissistic rage, letting out his anger on children. A narcissist needs to threaten, intimidate and control someone they see as inferior to make themselves feel good inside, this is called narcissistic supply. Physical abuse is one of the techniques they will use. This example is just one that no NORMAL person can deny is physical abuse, unless they are somehow controlled. i.e. a trauma bond.
Another technique was when Dad would smash his dinner plate full of food on the floor screaming and yelling profanities because his steak was not cooked right, while 8 kids sat at the table too scared to move or say a word. This was verbal and emotional abuse and again displaying narcissistic rage. He was intimidating eight kids to make himself feel good inside, this is not normal.
When the family sat around a room while my older sister fought her younger teenage brother for entertainment. My brother was thrown around the room by his hair and would come back fighting while crying his eyes out, Dad sat there laughing. This is not normal. He would constantly play one sibling against the other, this is emotional abuse. It is not normal.